Quick Jokes ...

[smotter]

These kids in Sunday School were asked if they had any pets named after biblical characters ...

"We've got a Rotweiler called Goliath" boasted one boy ...

"We have a cat called Salomi" says a little girl ...

"I've got a hedgehog called Frank" says a little Monty Python fan.

Most kids have an answer, except one liitle shy girl near the back.

"What about you, Shirley ?? " asks the teacher.

"Well, we don't have any pets .." replies Shirley, "but I do have a teddy bear called Gladly"

"Gladly ???" queeries the teacher, "I don't recall a bible character called Gladly."

"Oh yes, Miss", says Shirley, " I'm sure I heard the minister saying something about "Gladly my cross I'd bear" "
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"Powerful enough to turn goat piss into gasoline !"

[splasher]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"



Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"



"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"



The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"



To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"
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[splasher]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says: ....."Don't you have a vase?"

[WantonSexGoddess]

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Punk?
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When I'm God, Everyone Dies...

[smotter]

[WantonSexGoddess]

[smotter]

Sorry .....
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"Powerful enough to turn goat piss into gasoline !"

[WantonSexGoddess]

[Wicked-Trinity]

Boer se vir Sipho: "Hoe de fok kry jy dit reg om in 1 fokken dag so baie fokken goed op te fok!!!???"

Sipho antwoord: "Eish my baas, ek staan vroeg op!"
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The soul's screams are but whispers in the void that the living do not hear.

[WantonSexGoddess]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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When I'm God, Everyone Dies...

[WantonSexGoddess]

Before anyone says anything about that last joke, I would just like to apologise for it.
Please do not send me any hate mail.
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When I'm God, Everyone Dies...

[uKrease]

[smotter]

[daBeastMan]

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck..

Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele".

Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans. Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes.

Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"

"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?"
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The meaning of life is not to be lowered into the grave in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally wrecked, and think "Holy shit! What a ride!!"

[Nessie]

THE GAY COWHAND
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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Be yourself. Everybody else is taken.