The Chuck Norris Files - uKrease.co.za

So our man Chuck Norris is getting quite a bit of attention lately...here`s list of "Norrisisms" I`m busy putting together...

Chuck Noris can make a woman climax simply by pointing his finger and hhouting "BOOYAH!"
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down.
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.
Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Chuck Norris. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Chuck Norris was God.
Chuck Norris rents videos and never rewinds them, ever.
When Chuck Norris was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Chuck Norris spared your life.
Chuck Norris won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
Every day is the longest day of Chuck Norris's life. For terrorists, the shortest.
What color is Chuck Norris's blood? Trick question. Chuck Norris does not bleed.
Chuck Norris once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
When Chuck stares into the sun, the sun flintches.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Chuck Norris says its beef. Then it's beef.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Chuck Norris does not feel like carrying you.
James Bond has a license to kill. Chuck Norris don't need any licenses.
Chuck Norris' calender goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Chuck Norris. Sounds like a fair fight.
Chuck Norris was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Chuck Norris.
When the kids born in the twenty first century grow up they will not have heroes, but rather Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is the only hero.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
When life gave Chuck Norris lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Chuck Norris hates lemonade.
Chuck Norris doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
You can lead a horse to water. Chuck Norris can make him drink.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Chuck Norris once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
When Chuck Norris masturbates, all women within 3 miles have orgasms.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
Simon Says should be renamed to Chuck Norris Says because if Chuck Norris says something then you better do it.
Killing Chuck Norris doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Chuck Norris would vote for Hillary Clinton to be president just so he could assassinate her.
Chuck Norris does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
When Google can't find something, it asks Chuck Norris for help.
In 96 hours, Chuck Norris has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life?
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Chuck Norris way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
Why did the terorrist cross the street? To get hit by a car before Chuck Norris could get him.
When Chuck Norris watches a pot, it boils immediately.
Chuck Norris once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Chuck Norris less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
In kindergarten, Chuck Norris killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
It would only take 1 bullet for Chuck Norris to kill 50 Cent.
Chuck Norris has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can assemble the entire contents of an IKEA store without instructions or an alan key.
Scissors are scared to run with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris got Hellen Keller to talk.
People with amnesia still remember Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass motherf&cker that is.
TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.
"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.
Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.
They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's f&cking head off.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

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